It is safe to say that there is not one formula to a perfect marriage. Often we hear the million dollar question of “What is the key to a happy marriage?” as if we were Ponce Leon seeking the famed fountain of youth, expecting that once we obtain the key, we will uncover everlasting happiness in our marriage. Yet, marriage is not constricted to the bounds of following a perfect formula. It is not some lifeless object that can be polished to appear and function without a single flaw. Rather, marriage is a living thing, two living things mind you that must work together through both smooth and rough terrain in order to thrive. It is a vocation that allows for two individuals to flourish, even under the most strenuous of circumstances. Marriage is truly a beautiful sacrament which allows for both individuals to obtain holiness in one of the most sanctifying ways. Through the graces given to them by Christ himself, a couple is called to be apostolates to one another, and to the rest within their home, first and foremost their children. Within the vocation of marriage both individuals are called to live a life that strives to sanctify themselves, and their loved ones, through the ordinary moments of each day within the home. It is a true taste of the love between Christ and his church. Living out the vocation of marriage requires a true sacrificial love that seeks to find joy within the simple moments of each day and always seeks to show genuine selfless love to the other. It is a vocation that should be lived out with virtue.
For those discerning the vocation of marriage, or those already living it out, it is important to seek constant formation and growth in order to allow oneself to give selflessly and completely. It’s through the constant formation and practice of virtues that allows each individual to bring more to the table so to speak. If a wife and husband constantly grow individually, they will be able to bring more to their marriage, and they will have more to offer their team. Just as an athlete practices on their own and with their teammates to improve their skills for the success of their team, so must a husband and wife grow in virtue for the sake of strengthening their marriage. If they don’t, just as the athlete that doesn’t practice or act like a team player, the marriage will begin to lose strength and unity through each inning and challenge they encounter.
The true key to a successful marriage is seeking to keep Christ in the center. But this simple answer comes with a deeper and broader meaning than we initially think. When we keep Christ in the center of our marriage, we open up the door for endless graces to shower our marital relationship, as well as our entire family’s. While living out a marriage where both man and wife practice and grow in their spiritual life as a couple, and individually in their relationship with Christ, there is another area that falls under the umbrella of keeping Christ in the center, and that is obtaining virtues. When Christ is in the center as our focal point, we are able to stay on course always steering towards the end goal. The end goal being Heaven and everlasting life, we have to not just keep our eye on Jesus or have a relationship with him, but we need to seek to be like him. How do we become like Christ? We grow in virtues. Jesus is the epitome of what it means to be virtuous, the ultimate example of what holiness and sacrificial love is. Following Christ requires we completely put ourselves last and seek to serve others with genuine and merciful love, and within a marriage this is the secret to success.
Now, a marriage will truly benefit immensely from the practicing of all the virtues. Yet, there are three that stand out and seem to build a foundation that allows for all the other virtues to flourish. Charity, humility, and patience are the three virtues that can help a couple live out their vocation in a way that truly seeks to love as Christ loves.
Charity is the mother of all virtues. Through charity we become able to strengthen all other virtues and become individuals that are truly giving of themselves. Charity within marriage is crucial because it is not about oneself but rather about the other person. Marriage is about one individual completely giving of themselves to the other, and that means constantly. It is in the ordinary moments of each day where we are called to put our spouse first. It’s in preparing breakfast for the one who goes out to work in the morning. Folding the laundry of the other though it’s not theirs. Setting the phone down to listen with undivided attention. Cleaning the bathroom sink. Watching the children so the other can take some quiet time. We should be seeking to help and serve our spouse before our own needs and wants. When both husband and wife practice this, then they both will receive what they need. They will both be filled with endless love, happiness, and fulfillment. However, when one is more focused on themselves the marriage will begin to stumble. Charity is about giving, not just materially, but emotionally, physically, and spiritually to another. Within marriage it is through our daily actions, words, and prayer that we give of ourselves to our spouse and ultimately set up the foundation to a flourishing marriage.
Humility requires not only that we seek to live a simpler life, but to recognize our own faults and shortcomings while knowing we can strive to do better. Humility in marriage is crucial because it is what allows us to want less for ourselves which lets us serve our spouse better while also admitting when we have fallen short and succumbed to our own vices. It takes humility to admit we were wrong and seek forgiveness. It takes humility to recognize we do not hold all the answers or solutions to our marital struggles. It takes humility to recognize when there is a problem and what part do we play in that. Humility is being able to let go of our pride in order to see the needs of others as well as understanding those around us better because we are not clouded by our own ego. When we practice humility within our marriage we will quickly find that we will ask for far less for ourselves and ask more “how can I better serve my spouse?” It is through that mindset that we will quickly discover that it is not our own satisfaction that brings us true joy and happiness but rather the joy that comes from serving the needs of our spouse. Whether it be mental, emotional, material, physical, or spiritual needs, when we are humble we allow ourselves to be completely at our spouses disposal, and completely welcome the Holy Spirit into showing us how best to serve our second half.
Patience is perhaps one of the harder virtues to practice particularly as a marriage ages. The older we get the more set in our ways and comfortable we become. As our marriage ages we find ourselves becoming more and more comfortable with ourselves around our spouse which can be a good thing and also a bad thing. Too much comfort can lead us to forget about how what we do, say, and what we want affects those around us, first and foremost our spouse. It also leads us to think more about ourselves and how we like things to be done. Comfort leads us to be closed off to change and adaptability. We end up resisting the urge to be open minded and understanding to those around us. It leads us to be inpatient with those who do and act differently than us. This can lead to problems in a marriage when one individual is frustrated because the other is slow at times or does things differently than we would. We begin thinking more about ourselves than about working as a team. Ultimately, a lack of patience is us being uncharitable to our spouse. God gives us endless opportunities to practice patience each day, especially with our significant other. The countless shirts on the floor, loading the dishwasher differently, the trash not being taken out five minutes after we asked, working together on a diy project, or holding our tongue while the other speaks are all moments we are called to be patient with our spouse. These are small moments in our ordinary day that we can strive for sainthood. The beautiful thing about patience is that it requires both charity and humility in order to be effectively executed. Patience in marriage is letting your teammate take the shot at the goal by passing the ball knowing you are not the only one who can score and watching from the side as you cheer them on.
These three virtues work so harmoniously together and can allow a person to fully serve their spouse in a sacrificial and merciful way, just as Christ serves and loves. They provide a couple with a solid foundation that is rooted in self giving and sacrifice. When we obtain charity, humility, and patience we bring valuable tools to our marriage that allow both individuals to grow to their greatest potential while growing as one. When each spouse brings selfless love to the table you will find a union that is far stronger than any other because it is a union that is supported by two solid pillars that equally hold up the foundation that supports all the weight it must hold. When one pillar weakens in virtue it puts more of a strain on the other, which can ultimately lead it to crack and become unstable when more weight is thrown on to the foundation. If we want a marriage that can endure all the trials and weight that can be thrown at it, then both husband and wife must continuously train and strengthen themselves in order to fortify that marriage. They must each seek to love as Christ loves and keeping him in the center of their lives will allow both spouses to live out the sacrament of marriage as God created it to be.
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