Shared Spaces

Our homes are filled with shared spaces where we often find both moments of utter bliss and chaos. Those cherished moments in the kitchen or at the dining table where the family joyfully shares quality and intimate time together are truly the best. But navigating those shared spaces can oftentimes be difficult or even frustrating when each individual of the home has different needs or wants of a shared space. The main challenge is the different habits that each family member has can sometimes lead to conflict with other members of the household. Creating a home where shared spaces not only unify the family but also encourage each individual to grow in charity, generosity, and patience, to name a few, is one of the foundational keys to cultivating a virtuous home.

There is an individualistic mindset in America, much of which is a consequence of a lack of specific virtuous formation within the home. When you grow up in a home where you think more about yourself, what belongs to you, your time, and your space, the result is typically an individualistic adult. Individualism promotes one valuing their own desires, goals, independence and self-reliance, and advocating that the interests of the individual should gain precedence over society’s. That doesn’t sound very selfless or charitable. It doesn’t even sound very loving. As parents we have a responsibility to foster charity within our home and help form our children so that they may grow to be virtuous adults that give to others in the way God calls each of them to do so. If we are raising children to focus more on their own desires and wants rather than looking to constantly help those around them by being generous with their time, effort, and kindness, we aren’t just setting them up for disappointment when things don’t work in their favor, we are also spoiling them to become a generation that has no love towards their neighbor. Being a charitable and selfless individual isn’t just helping at a local soup kitchen or donating to a local charity, all of which are wonderful and great ways to show our kids to give to those who have less. Truly cultivating a character of charity and generosity begins at home. One of the most opportune moments to help cultivate this selfless nature is through shared spaces, those areas within the home where everyone co-lives, which is basically the whole house.

Loving thy neighbor beings at home, and our family is our closest neighbor. God doesn’t call us to just love and help those outside our home. God calls us to love and serve all our neighbors, particularly those closest to us. This can be much harder at times than volunteering at a soup kitchen. Our family members can sometimes be the hardest to show our love to. Living with others is not an easy task, especially when everyone has their own quirks and habits that can be a bit off putting to others. We don’t pick our families, we are born into them. So naturally, when you are irritated or annoyed with someone in your family, it can be hard to get away from them. If God wanted you to get away from them, why would He place you in that home to begin with? To sanctify yourself and your family members through a sacrificial charity, self giving love. The beauty of shared spaces is that they are spaces where we are given the opportunity to show complete selfless and sacrificial love to another one of God’s children, specifically those that have been entrusted into our care. It is a space given to us to grow in holiness in one of the most intimate and vulnerable ways. Parents are not just entrusted to care, protect, and raise the children God has gifted them. Children are also entrusted to care for their parents and their siblings too. It is a parent’s responsibility to teach their child how to care for others, but in the end a family is a group of individuals God has entrusted each other to love and care for. God calls each of us within our own families to care for one another, and seizing the opportunity to foster that self-giving love is crucial in shaping the next generation to be one that truly loves each neighbor.

One of the most commonly shared areas of a house is the heart of the home, the kitchen. In the kitchen, families prepare and share meals together and has been a space for gathering as one for centuries. To get a better context of the significance of the kitchen, take a look at scripture and you will find how Jesus himself used meals, the table, or a kitchen to bring unity. The greatest example is when we look at the Last Supper, at the Institution of the Eucharist, the true essence of being in communion with our Lord, and his other children. The heart of the home is not meant to be a fast-food or drive-through space. It isn’t meant to become an eat and leave area. When our lives get busy, it can be easy for the dining table to collect dust and our kitchens become a place that’s more of a vending machine than a space where the family actually comes together. It is important to make the time to foster unity and a desire to want to be together within our home, especially around family meals. There is so much opportunity for the whole family to grow closer together when we make it a priority to spend time together. Inviting the kids to help you prepare a meal is not just a chance for them to obtain valuable culinary skills, but a chance to appreciate and value the hard work, love, and time that goes into preparing a meal for others. When you clean up after a meal, you teach your children the importance of tidiness and order, but also how loving it is to clean up after yourself and others. This is one that is very important because so many times parents will not reinforce their children to help clean. When we allow our children to just be served rather than teaching them to serve, we spoil them. It becomes harder for them to want to give to others when they aren’t regularly shown the importance and reward that comes from putting effort into serving others first. With so many distractions in our world, it can be easy for a meal to become a race to see who can finish first, but it is so important that each member learns to appreciate that meal as an opportunity to spend quality time with those they love. If we allow our children to get up as soon as they are finished eating, they will never want to stay and converse with the family or guest, rather be more interested in playing video games or scrolling their phone. Make it a goal to at least spend one meal, such as dinner, devoting attention and time to the family as a whole. Make it a goal to bring up topics of conversation that involve everyone, ask questions that truly allow each member to share about themselves and their daily accomplishments, and make it a priority to not rush through the meal or the conversation. Creating these moments of unity within our kitchen or around the dining table is a beautiful way that we can instill in our children the desire to spend quality time as a family and become more invested in others.

Consideration towards those who live with us is very important when it comes to growing in charity with our family. It is a very important thing that parents instill in their children from an early age. Being mindful of our actions and how they can negatively or positively affect those around us is how we can develop good habits, or virtues, that can bring more harmony, patience, and generosity into the home. Being considerate towards those we live with is especially important within shared spaces like the kitchen, study space, bedrooms, and bathrooms. We need to be thinking about those that are coming after us. Whether it be washing the plate or cleaning the counter so the next person to use the kitchen doesn’t have to do it. Replacing the toilet paper when it runs out or not using up all the hot water. Consideration is thinking, “how could the next person use this space and how can I leave it ready for them?” Being able to anticipate what the future needs of your family members is a beautiful way to show love and that you care, but consideration is also being flexible and able to adapt when more than one person is in need of a particular space. Consider a bathroom, a space that has to be shared in most households but that also is a private space for the individual. This shared space is one that can allow for a lot of individual and family growth. For one, learning to respect the privacy of those using the bathroom and being patient to wait your turn. Also, those in use of the bathroom need to recognize there are others waiting and they need to be haste while cleaning up after themselves. This concept applies to every part of the house, each member of the family needs to be mindful that they do not live alone and that showing love to our closest neighbor is being mindful of their needs. If we wish to live in a home where we are treated with kindness, respect, consideration, and understanding, then we each need to show that too.

Other shared spaces that can allow our family to grow in unity but also nurture individual growth, are shared bedrooms. Sometimes the idea of each of our children having their own space seems like it would be a great way to prevent conflict among family members by each individual having their private space, however a great opportunity to foster sibling comradery and virtuous individual growth can be lost when we take this path. Besides the fact that not every household can afford a home with a room for each child, this concept of “their private space” can also have more negative side effects. Some parents will find as their kids transition into the adolescent years and are seeking more privacy that they will begin seeing their bedroom as their territory and property. The usual examples are storming off into their bedroom when upset and restricting access to their parents and siblings, spending excessive amounts of time cooped up in their bedroom rather than dedicating time to the family, prohibiting items within their room to be tampered with, and countless other examples. In reality a teenagers bedroom belongs to their mom and dad, and while adolescents do need to have time for themselves, it’s important parents don’t allow their teenagers to become tenants. Their child is still very much dependent on them and everything they possess was obtained by mom and dad. Regardless of whether their teens share a bedroom or not, parents should not allow them to undermine their authority and respect. This is why if you find yourself considering or having your kids share a bedroom, you will find there is much more positive growth to be obtained through this shared space. Kids can learn so much about putting others first, keeping their things in order, respecting each other's space and boundaries, and building a closer relationship with their siblings. When they are little they will learn to share their toys, console each other when one is scared, create memories of playing pretend, and even lead by example in good habits such as making the bed or cleaning up the toys. As kids transition to teens you will find they will form a more intimate bond as they share in each other's dreams, secrets, and passions. They will become each other's support system during a time of great emotional struggle. When sharing a bedroom, one sibling can notice if perhaps the other is doing something they shouldn’t or is having a personal struggle that mom and dad may need to help with. Will there be arguments, frustration, and tantrums? Yes, but those are the perfect opportunities parents can use to teach virtue and love towards your closest neighbor, and it is an opportunity for formation and correction. Parenting was not supposed to be easy, and parents shouldn’t shy away from living arrangements that could bring “more work.” A good parent seeks to work hard at forming their child in the right way, the way in which Christ calls each of us to live. This begins at home, and it starts by learning to love our neighbor, our family.

There is so much more that could be said about the positive impact that comes from shared spaces. Our family is meant to grow closer together and for each member to grow interiorly, but we need to seize those moments. As a parent, take the initiative to put the effort into creating unity within your family by seeking to promote growth within the shared spaces of your household. Whether it be a large or small house, there is so much potential for each member to become detached from their personal wants and become an individual that serves others first. Christ calls us as parents to form our children to serve others, to serve Him, but if we don’t make the effort to consistently form and nurture a charitable heart within our family, we will have failed one of Christ’s biggest teachings. Our homes are a place for formation, a place designed for individuals to live as one, and it’s through those shared spaces that we can all learn to love the closest neighbor God chose for us.