As young adults, particularly in our teenage years, we struggle to find meaningful friendships. In the teenage years and even the early college years, there is abundant pressure to simply fit in. This isn’t to say obtaining genuine and lasting friendships at an early age isn’t possible, but it’s a challenge during a period in our life where there is so much growth and maturing happening. But for most of us toward the end of our college years, we have managed to foster friendships with individuals that have similar lifestyles, values, and morals and create relationships that will last a lifetime. Much of this is attributed to the fact that by the time we hit our early twenties, we typically have grown to find ourselves and have a better understanding of who we are interiorly and what we value in any sort of relationship. For some, finding that niche you can truly call friends happens quickly, while others take a little longer to find the right crowd. I am fortunate to have both childhood friendships and new ones formed in my adult years that are genuine and I know will last a lifetime. But those friendships have been fostered through various life stages and by countless acts of selfless effort from both sides, especially those of us who are married and have children.
I know what it’s like to have a friendship of twenty-plus years where we have been a part of each other's growth, challenges, and wonderful life stages. But I also know what it is like to have friendships that have formed in my adulthood, some before marriage and others after. Each one of those relationships I hold so dearly in my heart. One thing I have learned is that as we enter new life stages, particularly marriage, and motherhood, fostering or maintaining friendships becomes more work, but it’s work that is worth it. Fostering those friendships after marriage is a genuine sacrifice, but it’s a loving one that is not just worth it, but needed. As much as we love our husbands and children, we need to seek socialization with someone outside our immediate family. For one, this allows us to have a break from those we interact with on a daily basis, which is both healthy and necessary for both mom and the family. But it also allows us to give and receive in other nurturing ways that aren’t explicitly related to motherhood. We, females, are social creatures who naturally enjoy the company of others, not just our husbands and kids. We need friends with whom we can share about ourselves, while also being able to allow them to share as well. A sisterhood bond allows women to relate with one another about their marital and maternal struggles, achievements, joys, and blessings, while also having the ability to share one's personal aspirations, passions, and accomplishments. Those friendships are necessary for our mental and social health while also being a support system that you and your family can rely on when needed. Just as men need the company of other men to relate about guy stuff, we women need the company of our soul sisters to relate about girl stuff.
How do we foster those relationships after marriage? It starts with understanding how to foster relationships before marriage. It can be a lot easier to foster new friendships when we are single. Naturally, we have more time and flexibility in our lives. As a single woman, you do not have the obligation of tending a home, taking care of children, or being devoted to your husband's needs. At most, you have work and your immediate family to tend to, which opens up more time for a social life. This makes it easier to agree to attend more social functions, hang out with existing friends last minute, plan trips, and join new groups to meet new people. All this sounds logical, so naturally, our time becomes more limited after marriage and especially after having children. However, if the majority or all of our friends are single, it can be harder to fully understand what it’s like to have limited time.
I grew up as the youngest in my family and became an aunt early in life. The majority of my siblings were parents by the time I was in college. I learned very early on that their time was limited as parents. They didn’t have the same availability or flexibility in their schedule to just hang out as when we were all single and living at home. I had to learn that their priorities were now different along with their responsibilities and obligations. They each had to split time between two extended families, work, friends, their kids, their spouse, and personal time. So while I had all the availability I wanted, they didn’t, and that was okay. If anything that allowed me to be more understanding and sympathetic to the friendships I was fostering as a young woman. Some friendships I fostered were with married women and couples starting a family. I was still single, but because I understood what it was like for my siblings, I was able to foster those friendships with more compassion and understanding. Instead of getting upset because my friend had plans with her husband that night and couldn’t meet up last minute, I was more understanding that her availability was limited and instead would work at making plans ahead with her at a time she would be free. I had to learn that I was no longer the priority, her husband was. And when some friends had children, instead of being annoyed because that’s all they talked about, it was learning to be happy for them as a mother and even encouraging her when she shared the struggles she faced at times. As the single friend I could offer to run errands for her if she was pregnant, maybe babysit so she could rest, or just offer to change the baby while I visited for tea. Being single with friends that are married and have kids can teach you a lot.
You learn to have patience as they pause the conversation because the baby needs a diaper change. You learn to be happy for them as they show you dozens of baby pictures or talk about their husband. You learn to value and respect the sanctity of marriage and motherhood and look up to them as an example of being a virtuous wife and mother. You learn to put your needs last as you put them and their family's needs first. Being a single friend can be difficult, but it’s only as hard as you let it be. Your attitude towards your married friends and the fact that you haven’t reached that stage yet, doesn’t just affect your attitude towards being single, it affects the quality of your relationship with those friends. If we let being single be clouded with a negative attitude, then we will grow jealous, frustrated, and annoyed with those married friends. What they share with you, you will hold against them. When they aren’t available when you want them, you will criticize them. When they act more maturely than you, you will grow angry, resentful, and insecure. That friendship could fade simply because you thought more about yourself and how you are affected than understanding they are simply at a different stage with different priorities than you. That doesn’t that friendship means any less to them. But fostering a positive and mature relationship as a single woman with married friends will allow you to be more understanding and respectful of the patience and adaptability needed to maintain that friendship.
Now, once we find ourselves in the same boat, as a wife and mother, how we continue to foster friendships adapts to our new circumstances. Those friends that were already married and with kids, understand everything we are going through. You find yourself relating more now that you're in similar life stages. I’ll be honest, you probably will see less of each other, but because you’re going through the same experiences, your relationship can actually grow stronger. Making the effort to meet up can become a little more of a challenge as you try to find time in each other's schedule that works for both. There’s also the challenge of kids getting sick, or family emergencies that require you to postpone your get-together. But because you are in the same stage in life, you have more understanding when plans have to adapt to each other's material and marital responsibilities. While there may be a few more challenges, those friendships can become some of the most treasured. You find that your husbands become best friends, your children grow up almost like family, and your sharing important life moments with each other. So while it may become harder to find the availability, it actually becomes easier to foster those friendships faster and more intimately.
Maintaining friendships as a wife and mother with single women can at times be the hardest. Just as I mentioned it can be hard to be a single friend, it can be hard to devote time to a friend that is single when your time is limited. The single friend will have more availability, so the choice of finding the time to meet up falls more on your shoulders. You’re the one with the busy agenda. This can be hard as you feel like you never seem to have the time. But again, when we make time for friends, it’s always worth it. It’s also good to remember that our single friends need us. They don’t have a spouse or family to devote themselves to and naturally seek to fill that void through friendships. Though we have less time than before, we can still make the effort to devote one-on-one time with our single friends so that they can receive some attention that is important and necessary for their social life. It’s a great way to have a break from your home life, but it allows them to feel like they are still a priority. I mentioned earlier single friends need to realize they are no longer priority number one, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a priority in your life anymore. You just don’t have as much time, but that doesn’t mean you don’t care. But it doesn’t hurt that we married friends make the effort to show our single friends, “Hey, you are still very important to me.” This can be done through numerous gestures such as one-on-one time, a thoughtful text, or sending them flowers. Just as single friends need to adapt to their friends being married and having children, married friends should remember what it was like to be single.
One last thing to note when you have single friends as a married woman is the maturity gap. For the most part, there typically is a higher level of maturity that comes with marriage. As a wife and mother you naturally learn to be more giving of yourself, more responsible, and wiser. You realize certain things are more important than others. Maybe you realize how you worried too much about petty things before. Recognizing there could be a gap between you and your single friends can be helpful in how you maintain that relationship. This gap can be seen in each others priorities, lifestyle practices, or attitudes toward things. Just because their priorities don’t seem that important to you, remember they are important to your friend. Keep in mind to not make them feel inferior to you just because there is a maturity gap. While they shouldn’t take offense to the natural gap that will exist, you also shouldn’t rub it in. Rather respect what is important to them, while also seeking to help them grow by setting a good example and offering advice when appropriate that can help them mature. Sometimes being in different stages helps both sides. One side learns to be more adaptable, respectful, and mature while the other learns to be attentive, patient, and understanding.
Finally, for those who may be facing situations where the relationship is falling apart, some people were only meant to be in your life for a season. Some people come and go, they were only meant to be in your life for a short time. Other friendships slowly fade as both individuals grow and are seeking different things in life. This can be hard to accept, especially after we pour so much of ourselves into those relationships. When it’s a toxic relationship that has a negative influence on us, sometimes the best thing is to end that relationship. Other times the relationship simply fades as each individual changes as they grow. But one thing I have learned is that for whatever reason that relationship has faded, we should always leave the door open in case that relationship should rekindle.
Ultimately, fostering friendships before and after marriage comes down to being adaptable and understanding of each other's stages in life. It’s about being patient and flexible with each stage's difference in priorities, responsibilities, and availability. Yet the key to making any friendship work, regardless of what stage either friend is in, is the attitude towards each other's life stage and the effort you put in. The quality of the relationship is determined by the attitude towards it. If you choose to be negative about the challenges that come with those life stages, then the relationship will be held back from growing. But if each person seeks to find the fruits and the beauty of each friendship with a positive attitude, each individual will be more eager and willing to make the effort to foster that friendship, regardless of their life stage. Only then will that friendship truly grow and last a lifetime.
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